The Power of Assuming Competence
Looking beyond assumptions to see the strengths in neurodivergent children
By Dr. Kandice Benallie, Licensed Psychologist
Bright Futures Neurodevelopment
The way we think about children matters.
As parents, professionals, and community members, our assumptions shape the opportunities children are given, the expectations placed on them, and ultimately, how they come to see themselves.
When we assume limitation, we often create it.
When we assume potential, we make space for it.
When Ableism Shapes Our Assumptions
Sometimes the biggest barriers children face are not their differences themselves, but the assumptions others make about those differences.
Ableism occurs when we assume someone cannot do something because of their disability or developmental differences.
These assumptions are often subtle and unintentional, but they have real impact. They influence expectations, limit opportunities, and shape how children are supported—or not supported—across environments.
In professional and educational settings, ableism can show up in many ways:
Assuming a child with limited spoken language also has low cognitive ability
Assuming echolalia or scripted language is not meaningful communication
Assuming a child who does not show typical social behaviors does not want relationships
Assuming a child who does not express empathy in expected ways does not care about others
Assuming a child who does not speak cannot understand what others are saying around them
Even the language used in reports can unintentionally reinforce these assumptions. Phrases like “at this time,” “in this setting,” or “when under pressure” acknowledge that a child’s performance in one context is not the full picture of who they are.
But ableism doesn’t only exist in clinical or school settings. It also shows up in everyday interactions—with family members, friends, and the broader community.
It can look like:
jumping in too quickly instead of giving a child the chance to try
lowering expectations without providing appropriate supports
assuming a child isn’t listening or understanding because they aren’t responding
talking about a child in front of them as if they are not aware
assuming a child doesn’t want friendships or connection because they show it differently
It can even show up in how people respond to a diagnosis.
When parents share that their child has been diagnosed with autism, a common response is: “I’m sorry.”
Most people mean well. But that response often reflects an assumption—that something about the child is unfortunate.
When we pause and reflect, the question becomes: what exactly are we sorry about?
Are we sorry that the child experiences the world differently?
Or are we assuming their life will automatically be limited or less joyful?
A diagnosis does not erase a child’s personality, strengths, humor, creativity, or the ways they show love. It simply helps us better understand how they learn and what supports may help them thrive.
A child does not change the day they receive a diagnosis.
Our understanding of them does.
The Importance of Assuming Competence
Ableism and assuming competence are deeply connected.
When we assume a child cannot do something, we lower expectations, reduce opportunities, and often step in too quickly. Over time, this can limit growth—not because the child is incapable, but because the environment has been shaped around those assumptions.
Assuming competence interrupts that pattern.
It means believing that children can learn, grow, and develop skills, even if the path looks different. It means holding space for possibility while still acknowledging and supporting real challenges.
Children often rise to the level of belief the adults around them hold about them.
Why Context Matters
Children do not demonstrate their abilities the same way in every environment.
Many neurodivergent children struggle to perform when they are overwhelmed, under pressure, or dysregulated. When this happens, they may withdraw, avoid responding, or appear disengaged.
To someone unfamiliar with that child, it may look like they do not understand or are unable to respond.
But often, their nervous system is simply overwhelmed.
When children feel safe and supported, they are more likely to engage and show what they know.
What Assuming Competence Looks Like for Parents
For parents, assuming competence often looks like gently encouraging independence while still providing support.
This can include:
pausing before stepping in to help
giving children time to respond
encouraging them to try new things without forcing them
creating opportunities for practice through play and everyday routines
making learning feel safe rather than pressured
supporting confidence by celebrating effort, not just outcomes, and allowing children to experience small successes over time
Children don’t need to do things perfectly.
They just need opportunities to try.
Sometimes this also means prioritizing connection over productivity. When children feel safe and connected, they are more likely to explore, learn, and grow.
What Assuming Competence Looks Like for Professionals
Assuming competence is equally important in clinical and educational settings.
For professionals, this might include:
trusting parents’ perspectives about their children
recognizing that observations are context-specific—not just during evaluations, but also in classrooms, therapy sessions, and other settings
avoiding absolute language about a child’s future abilities
recognizing that behaviors can be forms of communication or self-regulation
speaking about children in ways that respect their dignity and potential
Parents often see aspects of their child that professionals may not observe in structured settings. When professionals truly partner with families, they gain a more complete understanding of the child.
The Bright Side
When we challenge ableism and begin to assume competence, something shifts.
We stop asking, “What can’t this child do?”
And start asking, “What supports does this child need to show us what they can do?”
Children are constantly growing and surprising the adults around them.
When we move beyond assumptions and focus on understanding each child’s unique strengths, we begin to see possibilities that might otherwise be overlooked.
Children learn best through connection, play, and relationships.
Attachment matters more than compliance.
Joy matters more than perfect performance.
And sometimes choosing connection over productivity is exactly what a child needs in that moment.
When adults assume competence, we create space for children to grow into their abilities at their own pace.
And sometimes the most powerful thing we can do for a child is simple:
Believe they are capable—even when the world around them isn’t sure yet.
Warmly,
Kandice Benallie, PhD
Founder & Psychologist
Bright Futures Neurodevelopment
